The month of January in my 20s meant that I would fervently whip out my little note pad and make a long checklist of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”. I list down every imaginable flaw I thought I had, with an “action plan” on how to address them. I proudly proceed to pin that list on my notice board, admiring the way the fresh ink dries rather nicely on that expensive sheet of paper I bought specifically for this occasion and pat myself on the back.
Here were some of my favourite resolutions in my 20s:
- I will lose 5kgs and look like <insert celebrity name> in the brand new Levi’s I bought two sizes smaller.
- I will only shop during the sales. I will only buy items of clothing, shoes and accessories I absolutely need, practising minimalism.
- I will eat more vegetables and fruits and drink three litres of water everyday to hydrate my skin and look like <insert celebrity name> (see first bullet point).
- I will not comment about how tacky my co-worker looks whenever she wears low cut blouse that reveals the ample bosom I lack.
- I will not speculate about why my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend put on 5 kgs since I saw her last.
- I will not be moody, grumpy and unreasonable when Aunt Irma visits (get my period).
- I will not comment that <insert celebrity name>’s breasts are fake although I strongly think they are.
- I will not secretly wish that my frenemy’s new boyfriend who is a total Ryan Reynolds look-alike was MY boyfriend.
- I will not envy my friend’s new dress, new shoes, new haircut or new car because the best things in life are free (and she’s just so rich!).
- I will learn to pick up the tab as I’m an independent career woman. Even though I think guys should open doors and pay all the time (oops!).
In reality, by February:
- I would weigh 3 kgs heavier thanks to the crash diets I was experimenting with and look like Roseanne Barr in my old stretch jeans.
- I would have gone nuts during the January clearance sale and bought 3 pairs of trousers, 5 skirts and 7 tops that I thought were a good deal, spending my entire December bonus on them.
- I would have drunk too much liquor at the New Year’s Eve party and done the crawl of shame at 5am looking like a dehydrated panda.
- At that New Year’s Eve party, I would have gotten so tipsy that I actually told my co-worker to her face that her boobs were showing through her top.
- I would have bumped into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend, who was on television as the new model for Levi’s. Obviously this happened when I was at the shopping mall wearing my old stretch jeans and looking like a marooned whale.
- I would have thrown my entire CD collection at my sister and tried to strangle her with the new wrestling move the Rock created when I was menstruating. Just because she mentioned that I put on a little bit of weight.
- I would have realised that everyone believes that Kate Upton’s breasts are not fake because they aren’t.
- The Ryan Reynolds look-alike that I tried to chat up at the New Year’s Eve party thinks I’m desperate.
- I would have maxed out my credit card after I tried to keep up with the (rich) girl and will spend the rest of the year paying the interest.
- I tried to pick up the tab on my last date but realised I was broke. See previous bullet point.
- Why did I keep making resolutions that I will eventually break?
- Was there a resolution that I am actually capable of fulfilling?
- Was the act of making the resolution the deal breaker itself?
I couldn’t find an answer but in 2009 thanks to my heightened maturity (old age) and better sense (old age) I decided I won’t make a list of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”. Why 2009? I so happened to turn 30 (gasp!) and resolved to STOP trying to be better. If it goes the way all my previous resolutions have, I think I’m definitely on the right track…
With that said, have a great 2009 ahead!